As I Lay Dying
by Fifth Horseman
Summary: Misato's thoughts as her life comes to an end. My submission of a one hour one shot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or anything associated with it. Gainax created this world, I just play in it.

My stab at a one hour, one shot. Enjoy, and as always, your reviews are appreciated.

**As I Lay Dying**

Pain is all I have.

It's all I've ever had.

The pain of watching my mother cry for hours because my father was never there. The pain of having a father who valued his work more than his family. The pain of not knowing if he loved me. The pain of our family breaking apart.

The pain of mind altering terror. Second Impact. The pain and conflicting emotions in my heart as my father, the man I profess to hate, saved my life. The pain of the wound that left me with the scar that traverses my body, an unceasing reminder of that awful day. The pain of a terror stricken mind at the sight of Adam, something so incomprehensible that it left me mute and nearly catatonic, costing me two years of my life. The pain of being locked within my own head with little more than the ability to replay the horror and see the image of that giant of light over and over again until my scarred mind could finally push it far enough away that I could rejoin the world.

The pain of walking away from Kaji, the man I loved. I know I was just running, but we were going nowhere. There were too many things in between us. There was too much hurt, too many insecurities, and too many other agendas in our way. We simply used each other, taking what we wanted from one another time and time again. There was no relationship. There was just booze and sex and immature behaviour hidden under a thin veneer of something that tried to pretend it had a greater meaning. I thought he was too much like my father and I couldn't stay with a man that couldn't say that he loved me.

The pain of shame, of turning myself into something filthy, something my father would have hated. Some days I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. What I was doing to myself hurt so much, but I couldn't stop. The pain was what I knew, the one constant in my life. It's so much a part of who I am that I can't live without it.

The pain of loneliness, relentless and never ceasing. It bores into my heart and slowly eats away at it from the inside like some malevolent parasite. It's an ache that is so intense that it is worse than any physical pain I've ever experienced. It's a darkness that tries to swallow me whole no matter how much I seek the light. I try to hide it by showing the rest of the world a different face. I laugh, I tease, I flirt, and try to be the life of the party. But when I go home I cry until I can't anymore and I drink until I pass out because in the end I am still alone and it hurts so damn much that I can't stand it.

I took Shinji into my life to ease my loneliness. We had a lot in common and I soon realized that I couldn't live without him in my life. He came to accept me for who and what I was, faults and all, and he never judged me. I was actually happy and the loneliness was gone for a while. He put up with me, looked after me and cared about me. I repaid him by feeding him to the beast.

The pain of regret. I helped put that poor kid inside of that monster because I had to have my revenge against Adam and the Angels. I kept putting him back there again and again, sending him out to fight and nearly every time he came back hurt. The pain of those children was the currency I used to buy my vengeance and the hatred of my self for doing it was just another blanket of pain to wrap myself in.

The pain of loss. Kaji is dead. I hate him and I love him and I miss him. I couldn't stay away from him even though I still knew it would never work and I got crushed for my weakness. I lost my best friend Ritsuko to the secrets she keeps. I lost Asuka to the trauma of her life that had been slowly eating her alive for the last ten years. I lost Shinji to that fucking angel that befriended him, betrayed him, then asked him so calmly to end its life.

The pain of dying. I'm lying on the cold concrete now, my life flowing out through a hole in my chest. It wasn't even an Angel that did this to me, but another human being.

I just sent Shinji out to fight once again, and one way or another it will be for the last time. I pinned him against the elevator cage and yelled at him, trying to cut through his pain and make him listen. I told him that if he gave up I would never forgive him. I told him that he has to go pilot the Eva one more time and find his own answers to the big questions in his life. I gave him my now blood stained cross. The same cross that my father gave to me, stained with his blood, before he sealed me in the escape pod during Second Impact. I made Shinji promise to come back to me when he found his answers. I said I would be waiting for him.

I kissed him. I tried to give to him all of the love I had for him because right or wrong I did love him. He had become a very important part of my life and I hated that we had become so distant from each other over the last several weeks. I didn't want that to be what may well be his last memories of me.

I told him it was a grown up kiss and that we would do the rest when he came back. Then I shoved him into the elevator and shut the door, knowing that I may well be sending him to his death.

I was a liar. I knew I was going to die soon and I think he knew it too. Although, I can't honestly say that I wouldn't keep that promise sometime down the road if I were to survive.

Even with all of my pain, all of my self hatred, and with all of the mistakes I've made in my life, I don't welcome death. I'm afraid of it. Even filled with pain and regrets I still want to live. But it's too late now. I'm so tired and I'm thirsty and I'm cold. All signs of massive blood loss. I don't want to die here cold and alone on a filthy concrete floor deep within NERV. I want to go home and have a beer and watch Shinji blush like a tomato and sputter denials as I tease him because I caught him looking down my top.

My last thought as my eyes close for the last time is that I would rather live a life full of pain and regret than not live at all.

Pain is all I have. It's all I've ever had.

And now, as I bleed out in this cold, dark place, I don't even have that.

* * *

Thanks for reading, I hope it didn't suck.

And please, check out my other stories. You know how to find them.


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